George Dance

Away


Away again, I'm missing you,
and when I'll see you, I don't know.
I really don't know what to do.

I seem to see you for a few
seconds, but then - poof! - you blow
away again. I'm missing you.

One more day I must get through.
My thoughts meander to and fro.
I really don't know what to do.

I doodle or I write haiku,
prosaic scraps I have to throw
away again. I'm missing you.

I could watch "Captain Kangaroo"
or "Friends," or "Simpsons," or -- oh, no,
I really /don't/ know what to do!

Let's hope they can remove it, though,
because I want to never go
away again. I'm missing you.
I really don't know what to do.

Amadeus Jinn

Ok... rewrite it in pentameter, adding no adjectives.




--
-------------------------------------------
AJ - http://ClitIns.Com e In.
(800 folders. -- kiddie-filtered -- FREE,
Usenet Porn.)


"George Dance" <georgedance04@yahoo.ca> wrote in message news:1180747804.182473.161630@g4g2000hsf.googlegro ups.com...
> Away
>
>
> Away again, I'm missing you,
> and when I'll see you, I don't know.
> I really don't know what to do.
>
> I seem to see you for a few
> seconds, but then - poof! - you blow
> away again. I'm missing you.
>
> One more day I must get through.
> My thoughts meander to and fro.
> I really don't know what to do.
>
> I doodle or I write haiku,
> prosaic scraps I have to throw
> away again. I'm missing you.
>
> I could watch "Captain Kangaroo"
> or "Friends," or "Simpsons," or -- oh, no,
> I really /don't/ know what to do!
>
> Let's hope they can remove it, though,
> because I want to never go
> away again. I'm missing you.
> I really don't know what to do.
>

George Dance

On Jun 1, 8:21 pm, "Amadeus Jinn" <a-j...@here.nu> wrote:
> Ok... rewrite it in pentameter, adding no adjectives.
>
>
>


Umm ... I could, but I think it could sound padded. I think iambic
tetrameter matches the voice more naturally. (God, that sounds
pompous, but I do!)

Nothing wrong with a tetrameter villanelle; that seems to be the
original English form. Here, let me snip mine and give you a classic
(which you may find familiar):


Villanelle of His Lady's Treasures


I took her dainty eyes, as well
As silken tendrils of her hair:
And so I made a Villanelle!


I took her voice, a silver bell,
As clear as song, as soft as prayer;
I took her dainty eyes as well.


It may be, said I, who can tell,
These things shall be my less despair?
And so I made a Villanelle!


I took her whiteness virginal
And from her cheek two roses rare:
I took her dainty eyes as well.


I said: 'It may be possible
Her image from my heart to tear!'
And so I made a Villanelle.


I stole her laugh, most musical;
I wrought it in with artful care;
I took her dainty eyes as well;
And so I made a Villanelle.


--Ernest Dowson

Amadeus Jinn

"George Dance" <georgedance04@yahoo.ca> wrote in message news:1180758129.857893.212080@q66g2000hsg.googlegr oups.com...
> On Jun 1, 8:21 pm, "Amadeus Jinn" <a-j...@here.nu> wrote:
>> Ok... rewrite it in pentameter, adding no adjectives.
>>
>>
>>
>
>
> Umm ... I could, but I think it could sound padded. I think iambic
> tetrameter matches the voice more naturally. (God, that sounds
> pompous, but I do!)
>
> Nothing wrong with a tetrameter villanelle; that seems to be the
> original English form. Here, let me snip mine and give you a classic
> (which you may find familiar):

It's a challenge.


--
-------------------------------------------
AJ - http://ClitIns.Com e In.
(800 folders. -- kiddie-filtered -- FREE,
Usenet Porn.)

>
>
> Villanelle of His Lady's Treasures
>
>
> I took her dainty eyes, as well
> As silken tendrils of her hair:
> And so I made a Villanelle!
>
>
> I took her voice, a silver bell,
> As clear as song, as soft as prayer;
> I took her dainty eyes as well.
>
>
> It may be, said I, who can tell,
> These things shall be my less despair?
> And so I made a Villanelle!
>
>
> I took her whiteness virginal
> And from her cheek two roses rare:
> I took her dainty eyes as well.
>
>
> I said: 'It may be possible
> Her image from my heart to tear!'
> And so I made a Villanelle.
>
>
> I stole her laugh, most musical;
> I wrought it in with artful care;
> I took her dainty eyes as well;
> And so I made a Villanelle.
>
>
> --Ernest Dowson
>
>
>

George Dance

On Jun 1, 9:50 pm, "Amadeus Jinn" <a-j...@here.nu> wrote:
> "George Dance" <georgedanc...@yahoo.ca> wrote in messagenews:1180758129.857893.212080@q66g2000hsg.g ooglegroups.com...
> > On Jun 1, 8:21 pm, "Amadeus Jinn" <a-j...@here.nu> wrote:
> >> Ok... rewrite it in pentameter, adding no adjectives.
>
> >>
>
> > Umm ... I could, but I think it could sound padded. I think iambic
> > tetrameter matches the voice more naturally. (God, that sounds
> > pompous, but I do!)
>
> > Nothing wrong with a tetrameter villanelle; that seems to be the
> > original English form. Here, let me snip mine and give you a classic
> > (which you may find familiar):
>
> It's a challenge.
>
> --
> -------------------------------------------
> AJ -http://ClitIns.Come In.
> (800 folders. -- kiddie-filtered -- FREE,
> Usenet Porn.)
>


Oh. Well, maybe tomorrow. I'm going to bed now. Good night.
(Now playing - "Sad Eyed Lady of the Lowlands")





>
>
>
>
> > Villanelle of His Lady's Treasures
>
> > I took her dainty eyes, as well
> > As silken tendrils of her hair:
> > And so I made a Villanelle!
>
> > I took her voice, a silver bell,
> > As clear as song, as soft as prayer;
> > I took her dainty eyes as well.
>
> > It may be, said I, who can tell,
> > These things shall be my less despair?
> > And so I made a Villanelle!
>
> > I took her whiteness virginal
> > And from her cheek two roses rare:
> > I took her dainty eyes as well.
>
> > I said: 'It may be possible
> > Her image from my heart to tear!'
> > And so I made a Villanelle.
>
> > I stole her laugh, most musical;
> > I wrought it in with artful care;
> > I took her dainty eyes as well;
> > And so I made a Villanelle.
>
> > --Ernest Dowson- Hide quoted text -
>
> - Show quoted text -

George Dance

On Jun 1, 8:21 pm, "Amadeus Jinn" <a-j...@here.nu> wrote:
> Ok... rewrite it in pentameter, adding no adjectives.
>
>
>


OK; challenge met. Results below, with my comments, after the
original.

>
> "George Dance" <georgedanc...@yahoo.ca> wrote in messagenews:1180747804.182473.161630@g4g2000hsf.go oglegroups.com...
>
> > Away
>
> > Away again, I'm missing you,
> > and when I'll see you, I don't know.
> > I really don't know what to do.
>
> > I seem to see you for a few
> > seconds, but then - poof! - you blow
> > away again. I'm missing you.
>
> > One more day I must get through.
> > My thoughts meander to and fro.
> > I really don't know what to do.
>
> > I doodle or I write haiku,
> > prosaic scraps I have to throw
> > away again. I'm missing you.
>
> > I could watch "Captain Kangaroo"
> > or "Friends," or "Simpsons," or -- oh, no,
> > I really /don't/ know what to do!
>
> > Let's hope they can remove it, though,
> > because I want to never go
> > away again. I'm missing you.
> > I really don't know what to do.


Pentameter version

Away


Away again, my dear, I'm missing you,
and when I'll see you next, I just don't know.
I really don't know what I'm going to do.

I seem to see you only for a few
seconds, but then suddenly you blow
away again. My dear, I'm missing you.

Today is one more day I must get through.
My thoughts move back and forward, to and fro.
I really don't know what I'm going to do.

I either doodle or I write haiku,
prosaic scraps which then I have to throw
away again. My dear, I'm missing you.

Perhaps I could watch "Captain Kangaroo"
or "Family Ties," or "Simpsons," or -- oh, no,
I really /don't/ know what I'm going to do!

Let's hope they can remove the cancer, though,
because I want to never have to go
away again. My dear, I'm missing you.
I really don't know what I'm going to do.


On the whole, I find this version to be more padded, and less natural;
it doesn't sound like someone who can't concentrate because he misses
his woman (or guy; those people are allowed to buy and read the poem,
too 8). The first refrain now sounds over formal, and the second less
urgent.

In two cases, ambiguity is removed which hurts the poem. (1) in the
last tercet, which no longer makes sense - that relied on the second
refrain being read as , "I really don't know the right thing to do".
(2) in the last stanza, where 'it' is identified as 'the cancer' - I
think that's more effective if the reader suddenly realizes the
persona's situation rather than having it thrust on him.

George Dance

On Jun 2, 9:28 am, "Amadeus Jinn" <a-j...@here.nu> wrote:
> "George Dance" <georgedanc...@yahoo.ca> wrote in messagenews:1180786981.421371.324390@h2g2000hsg.go oglegroups.com...
> > On Jun 1, 8:21 pm, "Amadeus Jinn" <a-j...@here.nu> wrote:
> >> Ok... rewrite it in pentameter, adding no adjectives.
>
> >>
>
> > OK; challenge met. Results below, with my comments, after the
> > original.
>
> >> "George Dance" <georgedanc...@yahoo.ca> wrote in messagenews:1180747804.182473.161630@g4g2000hsf.go oglegroups.com...
>
> >> > Away
>
> >> > Away again, I'm missing you,
> >> > and when I'll see you, I don't know.
> >> > I really don't know what to do.
>
> >> > I seem to see you for a few
> >> > seconds, but then - poof! - you blow
> >> > away again. I'm missing you.
>
> >> > One more day I must get through.
> >> > My thoughts meander to and fro.
> >> > I really don't know what to do.
>
> >> > I doodle or I write haiku,
> >> > prosaic scraps I have to throw
> >> > away again. I'm missing you.
>
> >> > I could watch "Captain Kangaroo"
> >> > or "Friends," or "Simpsons," or -- oh, no,
> >> > I really /don't/ know what to do!
>
> >> > Let's hope they can remove it, though,
> >> > because I want to never go
> >> > away again. I'm missing you.
> >> > I really don't know what to do.
>
> > Pentameter version
snipped


>
> > On the whole, I find this version to be more padded, and less natural;
>
> Maybe. Write a thousand vills and win $100.
>
> > it doesn't sound like someone who can't concentrate because he misses
> > his woman (or guy; those people are allowed to buy and read the poem,
> > too 8). The first refrain now sounds over formal, and the second less
> > urgent.
>
> Sappy topic, and tired phrases, few images, none interesting...
> (but I love you


Likewise. 8) But there's been some interest. Here's from another
review I got:
"Aw george thats just sweet! / This reminds me of my hubby when ..."
That leads me to think there are others who'd respond to it in the
same way.



> Nice to enjamb, and change /the lines/ but you aren't saying
> that much. Right?
>


While the content isn't all that different from, say, Rod McKuen, I
think there's some things that raise it a cut above. For one thing,
it's a villanelle which doesn't sound forced (not the only one, of
course, but most of them do by the end.) In fact, the villanelle form
works very well as a map of the persona's thought; rambling here and
there, but always coming back to the same two dead ends. And there's
a bit of a conceit here (which is another reason I don't want to move
to a longer line length: the stanzas of the villanelle are meant to
be the prosaic "haiku" that the persona keeps writing, or at least
thinking, and then discarding.

As well, there are a couple of nice allusions - to John Lennon's
"Across the Universe" and the Statler Bros.' "Flowers on the Wall" -
and a bunch of interesting words. Not to mention a very pretty rhyme.
(I don't know what this kind of rhyme is called, but it should have
its own name.)

> But it isn't bad to change the meter.
>
> I really started poetry in 2002 with a hex version (loosely)
> of "Three Birds"... The pentameter version was better IMO.
>

I'd like to comment on "Three Bids" in a separate post.

snip